Syawal 1439H

Syawal 2018 

Syawal 1439H 

Days 1 - 3 

she's two!

so little babe turned two end of May, and of courseeee we had a small celebration for her. as previous year, we called for a birthday iftar for both families.

its more meaningful this time because she already knew what a birthday is and was able to soak in the limelight.

babygirl had two cakes - for our family iftar and for her school. how lucky!

and nope, i didnt bake anything this round, because #makpenat.

some pictures below, #formemoriessake.
and probably if you need party ideas for dessert tables and stuffs.

for the family iftar, my invite was for about 25 pax in total including children.

• family iftar meals: Satayboy (for mee rebus, roti kirai and chicken curry, with putri salat and samosa) / mee hoon birthday by my Mak 
• family iftar side dishes: Yummy Takoyaki / add-ons by self (hashbrown pops, pepes wraps and nuggets)
• family iftar desserts: Chendol Kain Pelikat / Rizq Delights / Keria.Sg / add-ons by self 
• family iftar birthday cake: I Am Cafe's 5-layered Rainbow Cake with cream cheese filling

• dessert corner: DIY - mini Milos, Ritz cheese biscuits, marshmallows, puddings
• family door gifts: DIY - tea, Redondo wafers, Tim Tams
• birthday banners/balloons: DIY Rainbow theme (balloons not in pic)

• school birthday cake: Prima Deli Sg's Rainbow Connection with Strawberry Cream Filling
• school goodies bags: DIY - tangram set, packet drink, rainbow cookies, rainbow marshmallows, chocolate biscuits and jellie cups 

********************************************************

Satayboy
do i need to even review Satayboy? i mean, oh come on. their much raved satays were amazeballs, their mee rebus flavorful. i would even appoint them as my official caterer moving forward.
dealing with them was also breezy, although delayed replies are expected. otherwise, good food, good transaction.

Yummy Takoyaki
this wasnt the first time we had them. my family lovesss their takoyaki and just kept repeating orders. and their delivery timings didnt fail too - always on time.
they used to pour their sauces before hand, but now they dont. i mean, the takoyakis get soggy after a while and to prevent that, YT separate the takoyakis and sauces for you to pour in accordance to your eating time. nice kannn.

Rizq Delights
such an easy breezy transaction! i was the one delaying replies because i couldnt decide what to order from them. and ended up with just their fruit tarts after reviewing my food list. so much pretty desserts they have! i have had their desserts before too, and once again, top taste.

Keria.Sg
you know some kerias would be hard the next day and its not nice to eat? Keria.Sg isnt like that! i was very amazed! our first time ordering from them, and my oh my they taste good! not too sweet, very soft textured. and still delicious the next day? ouhhjyes!

Chendol Kain Pelikat
again our repeat order from them. a little too sweet for my liking but thats easily solved by adding water. one bottle could actually feed two! i love how they are prompt at delivery and comes in a cooler box complete with ice to keep the chendol cold. sweet gesture, i like!

I Am Cafe 
my family loves their cakes since forever. my mum have a special place in her heart for their red velvet cake. and given the party is rainbow theme, of course i have to get their rainbow cake. only thing was, i couldnt decide a seven or five-layered cake. i went with five because i didnt want too much wastage and figured not many will eat cake after stuffing themselves with other foods.
i was disappointed though, with the outlook of their cake. i felt the Happy Birthday message was sloppily written and given the name was for a girl, they could have used red cream instead of blue. i even texted my mum that the cake is small, about 6-7". tall, but small. i expected something bigger.
they dont have any cake image for you to view, no options for what cream, what color, whatnots. it was simply "Okay what cake you want, when and what message?" kinda thing.
i wish they had paid a little more attention to the cake details.
oh, for this cake, i paid about SGD90.00 without delivery.

Prima Deli Sg
the place to go for todds! i love how the cake is big and short. hahahh. and its good sponge cake for toddlers - light, creamy and less sweet. score! and ooh the colors were so vibrant - suitable for pre schoolers to wow at the cake. i supposed its readily available at Prima Deli, otherwise ordering it is also easy breezy.

********************************************************

now onto the babyboy's birthday planning. hahahh. 

#39weeks +1

nothing much was blogged about #babyno2, partly or unfortunately due to me having no time after attending to #babyno1, work and house, and whatnots. sometimes even going to sleep gets delayed or shortened because there is always things to do.

sorry #babyno2.
i'll try to talk more about you from now on k.

so, labour story up ahead.

i chose Dr Suzanna Sulaiman from KKH to be my gynae once again. her schedule was sooo full right up to my EDD, i had to meet up with Dr Jessie Poon for a couple of appointments before having my files transferred to Dr Su. Dr Jessie was also good! lepak and chill like Dr Su. my consultations with Dr Jessie was smooth and good, i would recommend her!

compared to the firstborn's, my pregnancy journey is a smooth one and labour was a short one, Alhamdulillah. there were new experiences, but thankfully there was no complications or major hardships that i had to go through. i didnt have that awful severe morning sickness. occasional vomiting, yes. fatigue was constant. due to the increase in appetite, i put on weight a lot faster than the previous pregnancy.

i was a 70kg at 40 weeks with #babyno1; i was the same weight at 38 weeks with #babyno2. oh imagine the kilos i have to lose!

anyhoos.

03 Nov 2017 Friday: late 38 weeks
as far as i can remember, on Friday midnight to Saturday noon, #babyno2 was not moving. there were no kicks. or maybe there were, but i was on flu meds - was really drowsy and ready to sleep the night away. hence i wont be able to tell if there were kicks. usually kid would move even when i was sleeping, but i remembered sleeping through the night.

when i remembered about the baby not moving, i thought, okay maybe the kid is sleeping inside.
and i let it be.
uh huhhh. not so smart right.

04-05 Nov 2017 Saturday & Sunday: late 38 weeks
#babyno2 moved very slowly and very little. i was puzzled, and highlighted to abz that if nothing improves by night, i will have to go to the hospital.

we were still relaxed, occasionally checking if baby is still moving inside.
yes, slowly but surely.

06 Nov 2017 Monday: late 38 weeks
gynae check up. told Dr Su about the decreased fetal movement since Friday.
"why didnt you come to the hospital!" howww i knowww. sorry, my bad.
Dr Su had the placenta placement and baby's heartbeat checked - all okay, thankfully.
a decreased in fetal movement could mean (1) baby have no space to move anymore, (2) baby is stressed inside, and/or (3) baby has started to poop inside and it is not healthy.
her advice was, if everything is okay, only the baby isnt moving much, the best would be bring the kid out.

i was given about an hour to decide - to let the baby stay in my tummy till full term, ie 40 weeks, or be induced due to risks undetected for the decreased movement. 

made a quick call to abz and mum. both went, "okay go". 

ehhh koranggg. 

07 Nov 2017 Tuesday: 39 weeks

since #babyno2 is arriving a week earlier, and we hasnt gotten much prepared, abz and i had to run errands and start to prep for the kid's arrival. 

i prepped my hospital bag (yes, one day before delivery!), packed Sara's bag and outfits (because i need her to be at the hospital as soon as i delivered Adik), prepped the children's toiletries trolley. preparations here, preparations there. oh my. 

i went to sleep hugging Sara, wanting to be close to her. she had been the only one and i dont know how this whole Kakak-Adik will be.  

and because i dont know how long will this labour be, and when will i get to see her again. 

08 Nov 2017 Wednesday: 39 weeks +1

0700am 

i left the house with a heavy heart, leaving Sara behind. i would actually love to bring her into the delivery suite, if i could. 

0740am - 0840am
checked into the delivery suite,
nurses came and went, and did their paper works on me.

i was still 2.5cm dilated, as since the week before.

0900am - 0130pm
i have started to dilate proper slowly, going at 3cm.
i cannot remember in sequence but what happened was:
1) the doctors broke my water bag
2) they insert the contractions drip in me, to get the contractions going
3) i asked for epidural in case it was too late

and then we waited.
waiting for labour can be quite boring.
in between i tried to sleep, had a lot of air zam zam (to the point the nurses was saying i shouldnt drink so much), took a few ajwa dates (because it helps in dilation), supplicate as much as i could, tried to watch the telly but nothing sinked in. i even had time to reply my work emails.
i made a call to my mum, updating her on what was happening.

at the rate i was dilating, 1cm at every hour, we estimated it would be 6-7 hours before i am fully dilated and ready to give birth.

at around noon, i felt an extremely sharp pain at my right lower back. it was so excruciating that i could only lie on my right, one hand clenching the bed and the other squeezing abz's hand. i was ready to fling the bed side frame. i wasnt sure if its the contractions, but it truly felt like some knife pierced into me.
nurses tried to had me to turn, and i really couldnt. even told them to not ask me to move because i will become She-Hulk and get annoyed.
not even laughing gas could help.
one of the doctors had to give me another medicine i-dont-know-the-name to reduce the pain. a VE showed that i was 4cm dilated.
so much pain and only 4cm?!

an hour later, the nurses team started to panic.
i was fully dilated. say whhuuutttt? i shot up to 10cm within an hour?!
they started to call in my gynae, prepped the trolley with trays and equipment, prepped the baby's corner with blankets and i-dont-know-what.

0230pm 
i was supposed to practice pushing.
Dr Su was all for natural birth. so was i (because no money for c-sect, really).
my epidural dose was at the highest i heard, but somehow i had the urge to push. thanks to the fb viral balloon-pingpong video which abz showed me the week before, i contracted my stomach muscle and pushed the kid out.
as i was pushing, the midwife halfway told me to stop pushing, because "baby's head is halfway out." already?! but the gynae wasnt in the delivery suite yet!!

eh hallooo. baby's head is halfway out and you want me to stop pushing? what if the baby cant breathe? you mean let the baby stay half in me and half in the room? how do i even stop pushing?

0245pm 
abz told me to continue pushing. and i did.
less than ten pushes, and bloooob, out came the baby.

Dr Su came in a couple minutes after that. "ehhh budak ni tak tunggu eh!"
sorry, Doc.

and then, i had two kids now.

im not sure how im going to work this whole thing out, but i guess i will just try to wing it.

and then there's two.

just when i thought i was figuring this whole motherhood thing,
i became a #motheroftwo.

hello Kakak Sara.
hello Adik.

may you two be the best to each other, first and always.

in phink.

My only bruhhh got hitched last weekend! Yayyy! Pictures coming up! MAYBE. Hahahah.

But more importantly, I need to do a shoutout to Natalie Le Bella for coming to my rescue at the eleventh hour, making me nail my outfit on the solemnisation day.

You see, the family color is pink. I do have a pink.. or rather, a peachy outfit. So I thought I wont need to purchase any. However, the color was not close to Abz’s or Sara’s outfits. All skirts got stuck at the hips area! Or maybe I was just itching to get a new outfit.

I also bore in mind that I had grown sideways and in front a lotttt, so getting attires to match my size could be a problem. I SOS-ed my friends, looked up online and couldn’t find a suitable outfit for myself. Like a race against time, I was frantically searching for a pink outfit for my brother’s solemnisation day!

So I texted NLB, asking her if she have anything for me, given the conditions my concerns being: (1) a pink outfit, (2) stretchable skirt and (3) a top long enough to cover my tummy. 

AND YES SHE DOES! 

Natalie Le Bella's Exclusive Flowy Beads Kurung

So much loveeee for this outfit!

So comfy, I was able to chase after Sara around the ballroom. Material didn’t stick to my skin and I was breathing with ease. I didn’t sweat buckets and material was cooling and flowy. I felt like a princess myself with all that tail~. Hehh.

So THANK YOU NATALIE LE BELLA! *hearts shooting out from eyes*

And yes, #FSprojectheir is having our #2, insya Allah J

girl's first.

and so our little one celebrated her first birthday a few days after Ramadhan.

i was adamant to not do a big affair, with lots of guests and spend a huge amount for her first. like i maintained, "she wont remember the celebration!" abz and i were not in favour in doing a big celebration involving a massive amount of people's money and efforts to make the supposed party a successful one. i didnt want pressure on guests to come and bring gifts for her.

however i was insistent to do a very intimate affair, of course, to celebrate her first year. and what better way than to have an iftar birthday with only immediate family members. my aim was for our members to meet, have a good iftar, and celebrate Sara's first birthday and simply spend time with her.

BUTTTTT of course also, i cannot let the iftar be a plain boring one. I NEED TO DECOR SOMETHING. I WANT HER TO FEEELLL SOME SORTA BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION.

i told abz to leave me in charge of planning Sara's birthday iftar. and he was more than happy to let me do! duhhhh.

i decided on the color theme - red, pink and white. because, well, girl.

DIY-ed all the birthday decor - sourced Pinterest for a few weeks, printed and pasted the buntings myself, bought paper fans from Spotlight, and even managed to DIY a mini dessert table.

I ALSO NEEDED TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF MY KITCHEN! it is afterall, my girl's birthday! but given my condition, i couldnt cook. i made Nutella Blossoms instead.

i had my mum to contribute ideas and energy, thankfully.

we ordered Nasi Ambeng from Dapur Ummi, mum made Bubur Hitam for dessert and i made spaghetti in case some guests couldnt take nasi ambeng as a meal.

Sara's birthday cake is from our trusted Secret Recipe, its been our family favourite since forever! requested for own image and delivery, and that's settled! 

for about twenty pax small affair, below are our menu: 

Main & Side Dishes

Nasi Ambeng 

Beef Spaghetti

Vegetable Popiah 

Desserts

Birthday Cake

Pulut Hitam

Nutella Blossoms

Chocolates, Jellies, etc

Fruits

Drinks

Fruit Punch Cordial 

it was a small intimate affair, close family members around us, just how i envisioned it to be. visibly, Sara was more than happy because these are the people she was familiar with. 

after the push.

How was it like after the delivery?

I was exhausted, hungry and sleepy. I didn’t realize that everyone had left the room quickly and left me on the delivery bed to catch my breath and just rest (this is the point where I embraced the fact that I will no longer have uninterrupted sleep anymore). Sara was taken away to be cleaned and tagged to my name. Abz went to settle the paper works. Nurses came and went to clean me up.

Fast forward about three hours later, around 1ish pm, after I was given a change of clothes. Before I was wheeled to the ward, I looked at the delivery bed, omgggg it was soooo bloody. A bloodbath, literally. Nine months’ worth of menstrual blood. I felt so apologetic to the people who were going to clean the bed and room up. I couldn’t even feel disgusted. That was after all my blood. I’m just really sorry for the people who have to clean up after my mess.

Up at the ward, I had my mum and Abz waiting for me. And of course, Sara. Gave them a faint smile as a sign of exhaustion, relieved and triumphant at the same time. Skimmed through my hp to see congratulatory messages and well wishes from families and relatives.

We had a lot of visitors that first night. Or so I felt like there were a lot.

Prior to the delivery, I had discussed with Abz to keep the delivery a private affair because being first time parents, we do not know what to expect from the newborn and my post-delivery condition. It was all still raw and the last thing I wanted was the entire village crowding my hospital room.

Hence having visitors streaming in and out of the room felt a little overwhelming for me who was still tired. Didn’t realize labor was such a wearing process.

Everyone pretty much asked me the same questions, “How are you?”, “How was it (the delivery)?”, “How long was your labor?” etc. In short, I am still very tired and sleepy. Labor was okay – ten hours in total with five being active labor. I felt like a broken recorder repeating the answers. Everyone was all about the newborn. She slept most of the time despite being carried and smelt and kissed around.

Over time, visitors came and went, until it was just me and Sara.

Second night was a lot more quieter. Everyone thought I’d gone home by then, which explained why the crowd on the first night. Nobody knew that I stayed an extra night, so I pretty much had peace then. Thankfully.

Feeding was a breeze, or so I thought.

Latching was not hard for Sara. She knew her way around. The problem was, she was sucking too hard.

It got to a point that I was blistered, in pain and couldn’t latch properly. I couldn’t understand why, thinking it’s normal since she was a newborn and that was just how newborns were like. Applying nipple cream felt like it didn’t work either. I wasn’t in excruciating pain, but it was still pain all right. Nurses asked me if I was doing okay and I said yes because, well, I thought its normal to have problems latching and feeding for the first few days.

(KKH nurses have this tendency to leave you on your own when you tell them you are doing fine. You have to constantly ring for them for assistance, which in turn could annoy them and when they looked annoyed, you become equally annoyed. Don’t you think? Anyhoos, the nurses pretty much didn’t pester me every now and then, and I was actually fine with it.)

It was only when I returned home and with the consultation of my mum and my masseuse that we found out that while I do have had milk; my milk wasn’t flowing out properly for Sara. That was why she sucked very hard – to get the milk. Poor baby, I’m sorry I failed to see that you were thirsty even though we were doing good at latching.

So how? Another entry on the breast milk issue, to come.

I was scheduled for a 2D1N stay for natural delivery package, but because I knew I was not ready to go home, I self-checked myself in for a second night. In fact, staff nurses and my gynae advised me to extend my stay if I wasn’t ready to go home. So why not? Upon admitted to the ward, I was in bed all the time, so I didn’t actually walked. Not even to the toilet. It was only on the second day that I walked to the toilet, but with assistance from the nurses. I had to be sure that I was ready to head home – at the very least to be able to walk on my own. I was finally discharged on Thurs, 02-June-2016.

And so that was the start of it all.

Home, with Sara. 

To a whole new world altogether.

we'll keep on moving on anyway.

It’s been about three months of motherhood.

Alhamdulillah.

But oh girl it isn’t easy.

In fact, I don’t even know where to begin story telling.

Do I tell you about my breastfeeding journey first? And subsequently my obsession in getting my milk supply running? Or shall I write about my struggles juggling a baby, a cat, the house chores and doing my own things? Or should I rant about this first child thang? Or shall I pen the things I want to do, apart from being with Sara? Should I address my concerns when I’m going back to work?

Where oh where shall I start? Can I do a word vomit?

I shall split these into a few entries; hopefully I have the time to even make a draft.

The past few months had been a little mundane of a daily routine. Sara would be awake by 7am (!!), showered and fed by 10am, together with nap and talk times. In between I’d scurry to get my breakfast and lunch, prepare meals, do housework and see what own things can I do. Ahhh, like that lah all day every day. 

Albeit a mundane routine, every day with Sara has something new to learn. She unknowingly teaches me to have a lot of patience and to have a lot of giving. To give her as much as I can, unconditionally. I didn’t even realize when she started becoming chatty, or laughing so heartily for just listening to my voice. I was soaking in my moments with her. Time wasn’t an issue and every day is a blessing.

I am starting work very soon, and I am dreading for that day to come. Which mother doesn’t? I’ll just deal with it when I get to the bridge.

On a mental note, it feels like every day my mind doesn’t shut down. There’s always something to do, something to think about, something to calculate, just… something. It felt never-ending, it felt so exhausting. Even when I’m sleeping, I wasn’t asleep to dream. Even in my rest, I think about what to do the next day or the next hours, with my eyes shut. But when I am awake, it felt as though I’m subconsciously zoned out, like my mind had switched off but my body is automatically on the move.

Yet I kept on pushing. 

Oh motherhood. You are full of strengths and weaknesses.

#40weeks+2

i never thought i'd publish my labour story. i had in mind to save this entry as a draft, but howells~.

#throwback to all my visits at KKH with Dr Su, i never had any birth plans discussed. it was more of a touch-and-go topic where i'd ask the gynae what to do when this-or-that. Dr Su would briefly advise me such-and-such, but nothing concrete. 

on my last check-up on 25-May-2016, i wasnt getting any contractions despite days away from my EDD, hence was asked to monitor the baby's movements right up to the date. in the event my water bag did not burst or i did not get any contractions nor my cervix isnt dilated by that date, i have to be induced, because prolonging the baby's stay in the womb isnt healthy. 

29 May 2016
the EDD. true enough, i wasnt getting any labor pains. 

in fact, i was able to visit a cousin-in-law who had just given birth, went out for lunch with some friends and strolled at the mall for some CBTL. the baby was as good as not ready to leave its hotel.
throughout this time, i still have no clue what mucus plug is, how water bag burst would look like, or what contraction pains felt like. in fact, i wasnt even sure if i had Braxton Hicks.

30 May 2016

basically, i checked myself into KKH that night to deliver.

around 11pm, the nurses and doctors inserted prostin into me, and i was asked to wait for either my water bag burst or my cervix starts to dilate. 

i was asked to sleep, rest, watch telly. anything but cannot eat, pee nor poop. because "the pill might drop". say whuuutttt? shouldve told me earlier righttt, cos i'd do those exact stuffs before checking myself in. tskkk. i even asked abz to go home because there wasnt any scene yet and if he is just gonna wait around, he might as well keep KkukieKat company at home.
i call this period the inactive labor, because well, i was just asked to wait for the actual labor. 

31 May 2016

• Time: 0200hours thereabout

i wanted to pee, but felt a sudden pop of warm water down there. i asked myself, could it be my urine? why was my urine so warm, and so long? hahah.
it took me a while to realize my water bag had burst and i should be in labor anytime already. they dont even need to burst the water bag for me! calmly called abz back to the hospital, and waited again. all this time, nurses (or whoever they are, doctors, midwives, etc) kept coming into the room to check how many cm was i.
"wah you so fast, half a pill only. some people need three or four pills leh," remarked one nurse. seriouslyyy nyonya?

i cant recall exactly when i started to feel the contractions, but oh boy i remembered them coming and going as and when they feel like it. i loaded myself with the laughing gas, and felt rather high and sleepy with it. abz had to standby by my side with the mask for anytime i needed it. i actually felt good taking it. knowing i have low tolerance for pain, i had asked the nurses to standby epidural. even asked them when would be a good time to take it cos i dont want to take it too late.

• Time: 0345-0400hours thereabout

and then, this was the start of my active labor. i asked for the epidural. made myself really high with laughing gas because i have low tolerance for needles too. such a fussy patient, i was. by then i was about 4cm dilated.

epidural was god-sent, i was able to actually sleep for a bit after that.

• Time: 0700hours thereabout

i was fully dilated. nurses, midwives, whoever they were. people were streaming in and out of the room, with gloves and the operating knife whatnots. by then i was too sleepy and hungry to even be scared. however, due to the effect of the epidural, i couldnt feel any urge to push. i wasnt feeling any sensation. so they had to lower the dose so i could have that sensation. 

aaand then i actually felt the contraction pains. its like "hah amek kau". sakit is an understatement sakkk. 

i managed to tell them to tell the gynae to (1) not tell me when they are cutting me up and (2) not tell me when they are stitching me up. in my mind, i wanted mcD's hotcakes. my last meal was more than 12 hours ago!

• Time: 0800hours - 0930hours thereabout

i was still feeling the crazyshit contractions, but still no urge to push. in fact, i felt like i was forced to push. everyone sans the gynae was telling me to breathe and push, breathe and push.

the situation in the delivery suite was very... angsty. the midwives were angry with me because i refused to listen to them telling me i should grab my thighs instead of the bed frame. i was angry with the midwives for telling me to keep pushing when nothing seems to slip down further. abz was angry with me for whining how much pain i was in. i was angry with abz for not listening when i said ive pushed but nothing is happening. i kept repeating "im pushing but i felt too dry (down there) and nothing is sliding down!"

seriously people, listen to me, im the one doing the work! and for the past one and a half hour at that! i was thinking, "push push kepalahotak kau. nak push macamana lagi?!"

 for a moment, i wasnt myself at all. i became The Hulk.

i was, on the verge of giving up a natural birth. screw the finances, i was almost ready to do a c-sect. i was punching the bed, crying and squirming in pain to abz, telling him how much it hurts and i dont want to do this anymore.

and then Dr Su came in. suddenly everything went by so so fast.
she came, cut me up, got me pushing and i let a loud cry at the final push for my baby.

• Time: 0953hours

my baby girl was out, and crying. 

we had our skin-to-skin contact, and all that pain, yep, cliche as it sounds, was truly worth it. i had my girl in my arms. 

i was too exhausted, too hungry and too sleepy to say or do anything.
i was aware of whatever that was going on around me or to me after that, but i really had no strength to respond to almost anything. i do felt my placenta slipped out of me though. hahah. and i saw a bloodbath on the bed around me - there was sooo much blooddd.

i was also aware that they had my baby weighed, cleaned and etc.
true enough, nobody told me when i was stitched nor anything. i was just left on my own on the bed to catch my breath, regain whats left of my strength and soaked in whatever just happened since a few hours ago. 

told to rest before being wheeled into the normal ward at around 1plus in the afternoon to be with my girl again. 

and so that was it, my first labor story. 

my whole new world. 

come what May.

we are approaching the end of July 2016, and i still hadn't got down to my moving house story and labor story.

well, not that they are any value, but these are two major events that happened back to back which i would like to pen properly.

if you followed me on instagram or fb (im not claiming im famous or anything), you'd know that i have shifted house on 1st May 2016 and given birth on 31st May 2016. the only two reasons why May is an unforgettable month for me.

well, this new motherhood is keeping me caught up with a lot of things. and i hadn't actually finished unpacking yet. this explains the lack of updates everrr. this seemed to be one of the longest ive been on hiatus.

moving and giving birth in May, confinement and Ramadhan in June, followed by Hari Raya Puasa in July. so so many things i want to write about. i just hope i have the time and energy to do so.

for now, its simply motherhood, one day at a time.

#36weeks

so, how pregnant am i?
to the point where i can no longer wear any rings.

this was one of the crying moments i had in my third trimester. i wore this ring for a cousin-in-law's engagement and when i needed to remove it, i couldnt!

it swelled up within seconds.

i had to sleep with it, eat with it etc. up to the point where i couldnt take it and spent a longer time in the showers to remove it. and yes, i managed to slip it out.

i definitely wont be wearing any rings until i have given birth.

#28weeks

... and we still do not know the gender.

"what do you mean you still dont know boy or girl? you guys dont want to know or baby didnt show?"

my little one takes after me alright.

as if.

It irks me when people cared on a pretense, or so it seems.

If you hadn’t cared about me nor my pregnancy since day one, please don’t pretend that you do in front of others. If you hadn’t called nor texted me about how we are coping, please don’t pretend that you do. If you hadn’t been giving any advice to me and my husband about our pregnancy journey, please don’t pretend that you cared. If you hadn’t visited me or my baby before and after my hospitalization, please don’t speak as if you were worried.

I do not appreciate people who pretended to care and made it look like I am the uninterested one. When I reciprocate your actions in front of others, I do not care if I looked like the bad person. I learnt it from you. Unlike you, I don’t know know how to give an Oscar-worthy act.

You can’t even call or text me. 

Even my friends, who are not related to me, are concerned, to the extent they do not let a single raindrop fall on me.

But you expected me, the pregnant one, to call on you. 

All in all, I will simply masok telinga kiri keluar telinga kanan with you. If you are showing concern sekadar endah tak endah, then please, continue with your world class acting. Im just watching it from far. Because I know the truth much better than those people you managed to fool with your soft actions and kind voice. 

I don’t expect any concern from you. 

"wahh can see already!"

I cannot remember how many weeks I’m at now.

17 weeks?

The last gynae appointment was end of Nov’15 and the next one is end of Dec’15. One month seemed so long to meet it again! In between this period, I hoped and prayed that the baby is doing okay and growing healthily.

This second trimester had been smooth, Alhamdulillah. I was eating well and moving around as per normal. It almost felt like I wasn’t pregnant. I do have occasional vomiting. These days I’m good at anticipating when I am likely to vomit. I would know and have the queasy feeling after eating some unforeseen unsuitable food and just prepare the bin.

No cravings so far. I do have some foodie thoughts, like I hadn’t had waffles ice cream for a while and it’d be nice if I could taste durian for a bit. But I doubt those are cravings, the I die-die must eat it or else baby beranak lidah terjelir kind. The foods that I want to eat are usually those that I know I can eat without having to barf within minutes. I rather play it safe than go through another round of puking.

Speaking of which, I better start to religiously drink plain water. Not a good habit to always want Coke and anything sugary in the name for the energy. It’s not that I only drink sweet stuffs, it’s just that Coke is more…. appealing. So #notetoself: must take more plain water.

I have noticed some bodily changes too. My gums bleed easily now. Bleeding gums are common in pregnancy, so that’s not a cause to worry unless it gets uncomfortable or causes more pain. I experience hair loss frequently too, another common condition of pregnancy. I go to bed rather early too. Gone were the days that i slept past midnight. There was a few times when I was already asleep by 930pm! Other than that, I move slower now, weight is increasing slowly as well (always hungry!), and of cos, the tummy’s getting bigger. Im just sometimes not sure if it’s the bump or the boncet.

We have been s l o w l y opening to the public that we are expecting. Abz and I, we are not the kind who made announcements and bask in limelight. We prefer to subtly let people notice. I for one don't fancy unnecessary attention. We do let out hints, like tagging each other in extremely minimal pregnancy-related posts in FB and my Instagram showed food pics related to the baby. One of the surest and easiest was during a relative’s Umrah sendoff at the airport, where I was in a long dress and a cardi, shyly covering the bump a little.

“Oh! Pregnant already! Alhamdulillah congratulations! How many months now?” exclaimed some of the aunties, while touching my belly. 

See, no words or images required. Just show. Hahahh.

We also have thought of some names. We prefer simple, easy to pronounce and short names. Knowing Abz, its no wonder he’d inject some humor into the names for the kid. If example, I told him I like the name Rafael. Not that it’s a Malay Muslim name, or is it? His reply:

“Okay so the next three (children) will be Leonardo, Donatello and Michelangelo k?”

Thankssss ah husband.

We have some names for both genders, right now its waiting game to know the gender. I figured its more intimate that we communicate with it by its name instead of calling it “baby, baby..”.

Looking forward to the scans in late Dec’15!

Baby, be good and show us okay.

start of second tri.

i think im at week 14. or 13.5. or 14.5.
im not sure.

but one thing's for sure, i havent been vomiting and ive been eating well! alhamdulillah!

ive been eating western food for as long as i can remember - double cheeseburger, chicken chop, chicken fillet, pizza, etc. occasionally i tried rice and a malay dish but the quantity's lesser to minimize probability of puking. i can drink well too - plain water, a little Coke Light (heh), etc.

i was chatting with momsy, in which i told her, these days i am so thankful for not vomiting that i gave syukur every day. maybe if i hadnt gone through that ordeal of a first trimester, i wouldnt be expressing my thanks to Him frequently like i do now.

thank You for easing the start of my second trimester.

of Hyperemesis Gravidarum.

#13weekspregnant now. i think.

Im not even sure where to begin. But for sure, the past one month wasn’t a pleasant journey. I don’t know how other MTBs made pregnancy look so glamorous and easy to go through. During this period, I certainly did not even enjoy my first trimester and time was such a drag. It felt forever to pass by. Like, truly forever.

At Week 9, I was experiencing extremely bad vomiting every single day. I puked at every food or liquid intake within minutes of consumption. If you ever had vomited during food poisoning, you’d know how it felt like. Perit kan? Now multiply that for breakfast, lunch, dinner and anything else in between. Puking sapped the energy out of me and my throat felt terrible. On bad days, I could vomit continuously for fifteen minutes. On some days, I could cough and get choked because the foods just do not get cleared properly.

There was so much trial and error in the food intake. Honey water, sour plums, bland chicken soup, carrot soup, etc. I couldn't keep even plain water in. The simplest drink ever.

The feeling was horrible, I was shaken with fatigue and panic, I was bawling my eyes out because it felt too much of a pain for me to handle. I was whining. It felt so depressing. At the end of every session, I’m left lifeless on the bed, gasping for air, breathing heavily, with a painful throat. No joke, man.

Every day was a drag. It doubled up my fear of stepping out of the house because I just don’t know what could trigger the morning sickness. Any smell or contact could trigger barfing and I definitely do not have the energy to be puking in public. I was reluctant to even go to work.

Abz was just being Abz, telling me that vomiting is a normal process. Some days I wanted to smack him and tell him that while morning sickness is a normal process, its severity is not. How can it be normal, when Im throwing up even plain water? My mom was worried sick, as my sisters didnt have the condition this bad previously. She kept calling me to be updated, and was asking around for tips and solutions to alleviate the morning sickness.

On Deepavali, at Week 10, I was still vomiting badly. At the urged of my mom, I checked myself in the hospital for observation. Doctors only managed to diagnose Hyperemesis Gravidarum and monitored my condition, thinking its dehydration. For 4D3N, I was on drips. Surprisingly (and thankfully), I did not vomit at all when I was hospitalized. During that period, I was able to eat and drink normally. It almost looked like I wasn’t sick at all. So I was discharged.

In less that 24hours, I was back hospitalized. My condition started again when I got home.

For that second admission, I was an emotional wreck. It was dreadful to be pricked again, to be on drip again, and to be hospitalized again. I sobbed badly, insisting the drip to be taken off, and that I wanted to go home. I wailed like a child left alone. But of course I couldn’t. Hence another 2D1N staycay in the hospital.

Move forward to two weeks later.

After my hospital discharge, I was placed in the care of my family. For about two weeks, I was closely monitored, self-diagnosed by momsy that my stomach was full of ‘wind’ (angin) and is cold (sejuk). She recognized the issues after monitoring that (1) during applying minyak telon on me, my belly was airy, (2) she found out that I was taking only cold drinks in the earlier part of pregnancy, (3) my meals initially wasn’t consistent unlike when I was at the hospital. 

As such, I was scheduled to have meals like when I was hospitalized. In between, I was also given (must be) warm (and must be) hand-squeezed orange juice to aid the nausea down and ‘help keep the appetite going’ – a tip from my mom’s colleague. It certainly helped. We also kept tabs about what kind of food triggered my vomiting and what food that I can take without vomiting. 

Now at Week 13, I am improving but still monitoring my condition. I have less morning sickness now, my appetite is improving and some good days, I don’t puke at all. Of course there were bad days, but it wasn’t as often now.

For now, I am:
1)      Keeping my meal times in check, making sure I have something to eat at every time
2)      Keeping (and sipping) my hand squeezed orange juice in hand just in case
3)      Avoid food that could trigger vomiting
4)      Stay with the food that doesn’t trigger puking

Every body have different pregnancy experiences. And this is mine. 

No, I do not miss the morning sickness at all.

emotional breakdown.

#10weekspregnant now. i think.

and yesterday (05-Nov-2015), i cried a lot, like A LOT.

i cried about how i didnt want to go through this nausea phase, about how being slowed down makes me tired, about being weak, about how i cant do things that i used to do, about how theres nothing i can do except to just cry and let my emotions run. i sobbed so badly and whined so much, i felt bad for the baby but i didnt feel bad for my body.

darn the hormones.

everyone i know had been encouraging me to stay strong for the baby, not succumb to the whole episode so much and to keep supplicating for strength. every mother i knew told me that its normal and its a phase which i will miss once its over (no, i dont want to miss nausea).

abz had been helpful, some days - making dinner, taking care of Kkukie, running the house, massaging me when i need to barf. those not-so-helpful times include his "its alright, its normal (to vomit)" and "i also cannot do anything for your vomit". those times i wanted him to taste how its like to vomit all his foods and fluids out. sorry not sorry sometimes.

we haven't chose a gynae, but are likely to fall back on good ol' KKH. the downside is, KKH do not have any maternity package. every consultation, scanning and tests are itemized and individually priced. the other hospital we asked for - Parkway East, do have a maternity package. but similarly additional scanning and tests are itemized and the payment for delivery and gynae during labour admission felt like a concern to us. so, lets see how it goes.

im definitely not enjoying my first trimester.

please ease me of this soon. 

hero to zero.

the peak of the first trimester took its toll on me.
my body, and life, changed 180 degs almost instantaneously. i felt from hero to zero in just a snap.

the unknown pregnancy was fine from the last kit test to the GP's confirmation, until i hit 8-9 weeks into the first trimester.

the past couple of weeks saw the ugly side of the first trimester. i vomited day in, night out. solids or fluids, awake or asleep, i will just barf. some days it can get so uptight that my whole body shook and my throat got stuck. it was terrible, it was excruciating pain in the throat. the headache doubled it, my nerves felts like they would burst anytime. the body aches tripled it. i couldnt sleep properly, i couldnt lie back properly.

i had been on four days straight mc, in and out of KKH. ive taken countless meds and vomited them out too.

"just eat."
"you have to just eat."
"its normal."

words that people kept saying to me, but i wanted to scream at them because i am doing just that and i am still vomiting. i am eating but my foods still get barfed out. its normal to vomit, its not normal when im puking every day and night without a care of the world. whats the point of eating when i just keep on puking? whats the point of taking the meds when i still throw them up? whats the point of eating when all i taste is blandness on my tongue and in my throat?

"you will miss it when its over."

no, i will not. i dont want to miss being nauseous. i dont want to miss puking my food out. i dont want to miss barfing on bed or in the car. i want to eat. i want have proper meals so i can get by properly. i dont want to feel so weak. i dont want to miss puking. not at all.

all i wanted to do right now is to lie in bed. and cry. i felt so much self-pity.

time passes so slowly; i just cant wait for this trimester to be over.

hormonal emotional wreck.

i ever cried because........

• i cant iron my clothes
• i couldnt get the nausea out of my system
• i was feeling so weak that all i could do was lay in bed
• i couldnt do my house chores
• my stomach was so bloated but i wasnt sure why it was 
• my throat felt so bland but i wasnt sure why i cant taste anything 
• everything i do now is so slow and not prompt or fast enough
• some days the emotional baggage kicked in and i teared for the slightest thing or for no reason at all
• i keep vomiting every food i ate

i kept saying sorry because

• i couldn't assist in chores 
• i kept wanting to be fed
• i have so many food wants because i need to counter the blandness in my taste buds
• i dont know what foods can i take, and what will make me barf
• i had to trouble some colleagues to help me buy drinks because walking downstairs made me breathless easily
• i had to trouble my folks to make certain food for me because they understand my taste buds better than anyone else
• i get cranky faster and my patience level felt so challenged all the time 
• i kept vomiting every food i ate

blame it on the #pregnancyhormones. 

rapid changes.

following a doctor's confirmation couple days after the test kit, abz and i were more than elated to know what we are expecting our firstborn.

the first thought we had was whether we should announce this to the world, or not, or when. we decided to wait for the second trimester but still were gonna let our immediate families know. at least the mothers. i for one, would want my mother to know so she can advise me on the dos and donts, and that if I'm not well, she'd be the next person i'd run to.

it felt like the moment we knew of our pregnancy, changes came in like its high tide. sometimes there are two or three changes happening at the same time that i was trying so hard to grasp whats going on in and to my body.

as at 16-Oct-2015
a quick review showed that the baby is the size of a blueberry. and that became its nickname with some friends and family.

Body Changes
i used to be able to stand Kkukie's smell. now i can't. now i cant lie down next to his cage, nor pat him. and i felt bad because i felt like i ignored him a lot. i had to stay away from him because his litter smell, his cage and anything around him makes me nausea. the poor furbaby had been mewing at me so many times, looking at me with his big round innocent eyes, for so many days but i can only look for him from afar. oh it pains. its not that im staying away from him, i just cannot take the smell. i had to get abz to takeover the furrent duty while i sit on my bed watching Kkukie. my poor furbaby.
i get dizzy spells. the moment i woke up to the time i sleep. its like an ongoing thing. and im not sure if i can even take panadol to ease the pain.
morning sickness doesnt end at all. generally it starts its shift only in the late night or wee morning, its highest peak around 2am-5am every night. during that time, its hard to sleep as i will be tossing and turning, trying to get rid of the nausea feeling. i ever cried because i just wanted to sleep but i can't.
in the day, i get tired easily. i wanted to only lay in bed. i didn't have much energy to do house chores. the feeling is kinda sucky because i know i have work to be done but i can't get around to do it because for some unexplained reason, i get exhausted just like that.

Diet Changes
everything taste bland to me. its like nothing suits my taste buds anymore. i felt like i needed anything sugary or spicy just to ensure i have flavors on my tongue.
cravings? none. but i noted my need for food are mainly those that are flavored to counter the blandness that i have. for eg, mee goreng, fried fish soup. otherwise, i'd be snacking on cereal.
my best friend is NanoNano sweets for now, cos its tangy. anything else makes me throw up.
otherwise im having fruits and asam powder every other day.
i havent had my usual hazelnut coffee since we found out. i knew i'd throw up even with just a sip. instead im more drawn towards milo, bandung, lychee, and specifically meiji strawberry milk.

Attitude Changes
i definitely got cranky easily.
once i was really really hungry that i whined loudly in the car and then just went to sleep, refusing to participate in any conversation. i needed food almost immediately all the time.
im also more quiet now. perhaps because i dont want any superstitious effects on my baby. hence the best is to keep quiet, yes? but some days are just so hard to keep quiet and i just had to let off some steam and then regret a tiny bit later.

so yeah, changes that came in so fast as soon as we found out.
it definitely wasnt easy.